Yesterday was hard
It was the kind of day when you count down until bedtime and just hope and pray that you don’t completely lose your mind in the meantime.
For over three years, I prayed every single day to be able to stay at home with my daughter. Leaving her felt like a knife being slowly twisted in my heart each day. I knew God had a plan for our family though, and I tried so hard to trust in Him during that time. I’ll never forget the day I woke up and got to tell her, “Mama doesn’t have to leave you today.”
getting what you want doesn’t make it easier
But here’s the thing. Just because I finally got a yes to my prayer, doesn’t mean it’s easy. Being a work at home mama is hard, y’all. There are days (like yesterday) when my daughter won’t stop whining. She refuses to listen and cries over what feels like nothing. Days when my head feels like it’s going to explode if I hear a whiny cry for mama again.
On some of those days, I completely lose it. My temper is short fused. I yell more than I want to admit, and I end up wanting to run away for a bit. There are days when I feel like I just can’t keep it together and I’m failing as a mom. Days when I end up needing to apologize to my daughter over and over again for losing my patience.
On those days when the perfect storm of my sinful temper meets her whiny (& age appropriate behavior), it’s all I can do to make it through the day. And then I feel guilty, because how can I expect her to handle things gracefully at 3 years old when I’m not doing that at 30+ years old?!
We aren’t defined by our bad days
But there’s good news, Mama. There’s good news that says even in my failure, I’m good enough. Even when I fail, God still loves me and extends the same Grace to me that He extends to my daughter. Even when I screw up, He’s teaching me that there’s power in a grown woman looking her child in the eye and saying, “I’m sorry. Mama wasn’t being kind or patient. Will you forgive me, please?”
I can’t be the perfect Mama. Even on the “good days,” I still screw things up along the way. I still need the sweet, redemptive Grace of Jesus. What I can do is not allow my imperfections to define me as a mother or define my relationship with my daughter. We’re going to have hard days. But by the grace of God, even those hard days can be full of moments that allow me to teach my daughter the very lessons I’m still trying to learn–that we both desperately need our Savior. That neither of us will have a heart change unless we stop and point our focus back towards Jesus. That we aren’t defined by our sinful nature, but rather by the fact that we choose to accept and give forgiveness.
You’re not Alone, Mama
If you’ve had (or are having) a day like this, know that you’re not alone. You aren’t the only one who screws up and wants to run away sometimes. You’re allowed to have hard days, but they don’t have to define you. If you need prayer or encouragement, I’m just an email away and I’m here for you. You can do this, mama.
PS Like every other mama I know, even after (or especially after?) a bad day, I find myself looking through pictures of my sweet girl. What a joyful reminder that even on the hard days, doing life with her each and every day is my most coveted answered prayer.